If it were a snake
by paxbanana
Summary: Just because Traynor is a great Comm Specialist doesn't mean she always gets the message.


AN: Recently browsing my files and rediscovered a lot of Mass Effect stuff written for the k-meme ages ago.

* * *

Samantha stood awkwardly by the weapons bench, waiting for Ashley Williams to notice of her. She cleared her throat, did a little wobble dance, and finally said, "It's so wonderful to have you back on board, Lieutenant Commander."

Williams spared her a not altogether unfriendly glance before she smiled. "Thanks."

Samantha hesitated, figuring she could work with that. "I just wanted to make sure you were happy with the arrangements on board."

"Um, sure." Williams turned her attention back to the assault rifle she was cleaning.

"Yes, well, if you need anything, please let me know." Samantha was mortified when she giggled. Why did she always do that?

This time, Williams met her eyes. She gave another half-smile. "Thanks. Traynor, right? I'm sorry; things have been so crazy, I guess I'm just lost in my own thoughts. I appreciate you coming down here to welcome me."

"Of course, Lieutenant Commander."

"Just call me, Ash."

Oh, Samantha tried desperately not to read anything into that, but asking someone to call you by a nickname was a big deal, right? Williams—Ash—well, she was a strong, military woman. Surely Samantha's gaydar wasn't pinging for no reason. "Oh, thank you, Ash. You're welcome to call me Sam."

Williams set her assault rifle down and clutched at the oiling cloth in her hand. "Sam, then. Listen, have you talked to Shepard recently?"

"The Commander? I spoke to her this morning. Nothing seems amiss. Why?"

Williams shrugged. "Nothing important."

"Hey, Ash," Samantha giggled despite herself. "Since we're going to be docked at the Normandy for a few days, would you like to grab a bite? I think it'll be the best grub we'll get for quite a while."

"Knowing Shepard, you're right." Williams smiled. "Sure, it'll be a good girls' event. Maybe we should ask a few other women from the crew too. I'd like to get to know everyone, since I was in the hospital before this. It'll be nice to meet the crew."

Samantha tried not to let her disappointment show, though she felt her smile slip off her face in degrees. "The others? O-of course. I'll spread the word."

Later, down in Engineering, Gabby said, "Oh, god, Sam. Ashley Williams is _not_ gay."

"But, she told me to—"

"She was just being nice. Quite frankly, even if she somehow miraculously jumped your bones, she'd still be straight. Why don't you ask a nice gay girl out to lunch with you on the Citadel?"

"That's what I thought I was doing," Samantha protested.

Gabby rubbed the bridge of her nose then finally sighed again. "Well, I guess it'll just be a nice girly powwow. At least that should be fun."

"Oh damn. Well, at least I didn't have to do the awkward 'oh, I'm so sorry I made you uncomfortable; no, no we can just be friends' speech."

"This happens to you that often?"

It was embarrassing to admit just how often. Gabby shook her head. "You poor, poor fool."

* * *

"I'm so sorry I made you uncomfortable."

"No, I'm sorry. I didn't meant to imply—"

"No, no. I overstepped."

"No, really, I mean, I'm not like that, but I don't mind that you are—"

"Yes, well, I should go."

"Yes, I need to get back to my duties."

Later, Gabby laughed herself to tears. "You came on to _Tali_? The quarian, in a suit, who could die from infection if she rubbed lady bits with you?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Traynor mumbled.

Gabby continued laughing. "I'm s-s-s-s-so sorry, but you're… Oh, my god. I hope EDI got that on camera!"

"Well, I'm sure Tali's quite attractive under the visor," Samantha said primly.

Apparently she'd finally laughed herself out because Gabby wiped her eyes and settled down with a long sigh. "Sam, you're so adorable."

Samantha blushed. "If only someone else thought that too," she said a little forlornly. She was so caught up in her disappointment that she missed the frustrated look Gabby sent her way.

* * *

"Khalisah al-Jilani, Westerlund News. Is it true you're a part of Commander Shepard's crew on the Normandy?"

Samantha blinked, slightly spooked in the sudden shine of a camera. All she'd wanted was to pick up some software from a contact on the Citadel. She'd hardly expected to get nabbed by a news reporter, but Samantha managed to recover herself at the sound of that attractive female voice.

"Hi, yes, I am," she said, managing a wide smile. "I'm the communication specialist. It sounds rather silly, and I suppose it is, just keeping track of communications—basically reading emails and talking on the figurative galactic telephone. The Commander keeps telling me it's a very important job, but it's not like I'm out there, fighting the good fight with the Commander. I doubt I'd be very good in combat. But decoding radio signals, that I'm quite good at."

Al-Jilani's eyebrow cocked as if she wasn't sure what to say to that. She opened her mouth, closed it, then waved the camera off unhappily. "Look, um…?"

"Samantha Traynor. You can call me Sam."

"Look, Sam. I'm a sensationalist newscaster. I need to interview angry or upset people. As much as I'd love to paint the entire crew of the Normandy as flower-weaving hippies, it's just too farfetched."

"I'm afraid I don't understand."

"You're too happy, Sam."

"Well," she said, trying not to be affronted. "I apologize."

"Oh, don't," Al-Jilani waved her hand. "It's pretty cute in person, but it won't sell on camera."

"You think I'm cute?" Samantha asked flirtatiously. _Please, please, please, please… Let her be the one_—or at least a one-night stand!

Al-Jilani's lips quirked in a slight grin. "If I wasn't married to the hottest asari this side of the Citadel, I'd be so interested. Sorry, sweetie. You're adorable, but you really aren't worth pissing off a Commando."

Later, Gabby predictably said, "Well, your gaydar seems to be getting better."

"She's taken? Why are they always taken?! Is there not a single woman left in this solar system?"

"I'm single," Gabby supplied unhelpfully.

"Thank you, Gabriella, for that vote of support, but I meant a single lesbian. One who's interested in _me_. Preferably with a working shower." She paused. "Gabby, why are you banging your head on your desk?"

Gabby lifted her head and said, "You're just too picky, Sam. Too picky."

"I suppose I should just switch teams, is that it?"

"I definitely didn't say that," Gabby replied. "Sadly, I think Kenneth would be more upset that you're no longer a lesbian than he would be happy he could invite you into his bunk for some downtime."

Despite herself, Sam's lip curled. Gabby rocked back and let out a peal of laughter. "I want a picture of that face to hang up in his bunk. Captioned: 'Kenneth, this is how unsexy you are to a lesbian.'"

Samantha immediately felt guilty. It must have showed on her face because Gabby said, "Nope. Don't feel bad. I'm sure he's thought of you while relieving stress so he deserves no guilt."

"Oh, my god, Gabby! That is _disgusting!"_

"You're welcome, sweetheart."

* * *

"You came on to Eve, didn't you?"

Samantha gasped. "Give me a little credit, Gabriella." She quickly backpedalled. "Not that I would out right reject her, but well, Eve isn't exactly to my tastes."

"So, who was it this time?"

Samantha shot a paranoid look up at the cameras and bent closer to Gabby. She whispered in her ear, "Maybe possibly EDI?"

"No!"

"_I can assure you, Ms. Daniels, that Comm Specialist Traynor is not lying. She suggested she could 'try out' my new body."_

Samantha moaned in mortification, pressing her face into her hands. "No, no, no, no… It was stupid. I'm _so sorry, EDI!_"

"_On the contrary, Traynor, I take your fascination as a compliment. While at this time I do not feel the necessity to use you as a test subject, I am grateful that you have communicated you find my body attractive_."

"EDI."

"_Yes, Ms. Daniels?"_

"Please stop eavesdropping. I think Sam has been embarrassed enough."

"_Of course. Please forgive any intrusion."_

They sat together in silence. Then Gabby finally said, "Shit, Traynor, just buy a vibrator next time."

Samantha moaned, ready to die in embarrassment. "I didn't mean to flirt with her! It was supposed to be a joke, only it sort of didn't turn out to be…"

"You must be so sexually frustrated right now. That's the only reason I can think you went to EDI instead of a living, breathing organic woman on board."

"But _no one will have me!_"

"For being such a good Comm Specialist, you are really unobservant, Sam."

* * *

"Commander!"

Samantha judged the look on Shepard's face to be hopeful. She sidled up to Shepard and settled next to her in the mess hall, deciding to test the waters. "I had a wonderful time during that chess match yesterday." She hoped… Well, she'd rather wanted more than a traditional game of chess, but maybe Shepard was just slow to start a relationship.

"Ah, yeah, Sam, it was fun. Next time I plan to win, though."

"Oh, Commander, all you had to do was ask!" she allowed herself a giggle and felt slightly childish for it. But well, giggling was good for flirting, wasn't it?

"What's the fun in that?" Shepard had a half-grin, and she punctuated her statement with a crunch of vegetable. Samantha knew, without a doubt, that Shepard was _the one. _Finally, a lesbian on the Normandy! A lesbian who could flirt! Samantha leaned on her hand and raised her eyebrows. "I think it could be quite fun, don't you, Commander?"

From Shepard's other side, Dr. T'soni cleared her throat. Her eyes were narrowed, and Samantha realized for the first time she was on the receiving end of a frightening asari stare. "Are you sure you're still talking about chess, Yeoman?" she asked, very softly.

"Well, technically, I'm not a Yeoman—" Samantha flinched as Dr. T'soni's body gave off unmistakable tendrils of biotics.

Shepard went red, sitting up in shock. "Liara, it's not like that!"

Well, another one bites the dust. At least it wasn't the 'I'm not gay' card. Samantha quickly backpedaled. "Oh, no. I certainly didn't mean… Dr. T'soni, I would never…"

"Indeed," T'soni said dryly. Her glare turned to Shepard, but now it was more indolent than aggressive. Shepard's face, still red, took on an uncertain smile. "Indeed?" she echoed hesitantly. Samantha quickly excused herself out of fear for her life and pride.

Why was it that the only gay woman on the Normandy was already taken? By an asari, no less. Samantha couldn't compete with that.

* * *

"Don't you see? I have the worst luck imaginable! And then I finally found another lesbian, and she's got a homicidal asari girlfriend already," Samantha bemoaned. She remembered the reporter. "That's the second one, come to think of it. Are all the lesbians taken by asari now?"

Gabriella's rolled eyes would have been hurtful if they hadn't been paired with a kindhearted grin. "It's not luck, Sam. It's the fact that your gaydar is so off-base. And just for the record, I have no idea how you _didn't_ know the Commander had it bad for Dr. T'soni."

"How was I supposed to know?"

"I don't know, maybe picking up the signals. The very obvious signals. Not that I'm surprised, since you can't seem to figure out someone who wants you is staring you right in the face."

Samantha gave a moan of frustration. "But that's the problem! No one does want me! I keep imagining women are receptive and they aren't. Why, I think I've mistakenly flirted with every woman on this vessel."

"Not every woman."

"You don't know, Gabriella. I think I would know if I hadn't."

Gabby heaved a sigh. She leaned closer to Samantha, put a hand on her shoulder, and said, "You are the biggest idiot, Sam. I'm talking about me."

It took a moment to process. Then the reality of it came crashing down on her. "B-but? I didn't think you were gay—I mean, you and Kenneth?"

"We're just friends, Sam. Because _I'm a lesbian_."

"Oh, my." Samantha slowly smiled as she realized the enormity of this moment. "Oh, well, this is wonderful! Do you play chess?"

Gabby rolled her eyes. "You know, I haven't gotten laid in years, and the woman I want first decides to completely overlook my existence, and then she _wants to play chess_? No way, Sam. You and me, we're gonna get some rack time. Then maybe I'll consider a game of chess."

Thrown on her back into Gabby's bunk, all Samantha could think to say was, "Oh, my."

"Oh, and guess what?"

Samantha was having trouble thinking with Gabby's mouth on her neck. "What?"

"We have private showers down here in engineering. All the hot water you could ever want." Gabby waggled her eyebrows.

"Oh, my…"

"And I have an extra Cision Promack 4 toothbrush."

"My god, you're _the one_."

Gabby's grin was positively wolfish. "Ladies and gentlemen, she finally gets it!"

-end-


End file.
